four

If I stare at the blue light long enough it turns red. Light therapy. I can feel the SAD today. I felt it yesterday, too. Which was why I spent the day trying to reach out to people on facebook, and why I got so upset when they didn't reach back. But it's good, the reaching out. Better than isolating, which I feel like doing today. Today I want to go buy some junk food and eat and watch a movie and sleep. But I'm past that now. I mean, I've progressed... haven't I? Last night when L was falling asleep I cried. I couldn't identify why (though I blamed it on certain things, just to try them on to see if they were it, and to try to be concrete, so L would understand). But it always comes back to sickness. No matter how happy I should be or how much progress I make, it's still there. So I sit, in front of this obnoxious blue light, hoping desperately that it'll keep the sickness at bay, the thing inside, which I can't reach or feel or smell or excise or bargain with. Fuck.

the blue of cloud of cry

of speckled eyes of light

the shine of flight

i crime i kite i dime i dive

the speckled light the cloud

the bright of eyes the cry

i wind and wind and wind

and wind

and wind and wind and wind.